The doctors diary
by Golden Seeker 91
Summary: Rose takes a wrong turn in the TARDIS and finds the Doctors room
1. Chapter 1

Rose was alone in the TARDIS. The doctor had gone out to see where and when they were but it was too cold for her so he let her stay in the control room. She watched as the screen flashed numbers, equations and formulas as his sonic screwdriver picked up readings and fed them back to the TARDIS. She sighed to herself, the Doctor had been gone for hours, she was getting bored, and as little as she wished to admit it she missed him.

"Quit it!" she told herself.

Besides, she should be thinking about Micky. The Doctor had promised that after this stop he would take her home to see Micky and her mum. She couldn't wait! It had seemed like so long since she had last seen her mum. She had so much to tell her. She shook herself, mum and Micky, Micky would be there too.

She had started forgetting about him a lot in the last couple of weeks. Little details that drove her mad when she tried to recall them. The secret smile he used to save just for her when he thought no one else was looking. The way his eyes crinkled when he looked at her. The way he used to make her feel when he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He made her feel like she was the most important thing in his life and now she was forgetting about him. It was difficult, traveling with the Doctor, to remember anything about the normal mundane humanity of life on earth.

Rose sighed and got to her feet. She thought that seeing as the Doctor was out she might as well jump in the shower. Last time she had risked it when they were on a rest stop the Doctor had suddenly decided he needed to fly to Cardiff. She had ended up bumping her head on the ceiling. As her feet wondered to the bathroom her mind wondered somewhere else. She was thinking of what she would say to her mum and Micky. She wondered if there were any words to fully explain what had happened in the short time she had been away. For her mum and Micky it would seem as though she had stepped out seconds before, but for Rose it had been months. She had seen so much. Planets, creatures, wars The more she thought about it the more nervous she became. It was incredible but unexplainable. As was the TARDIS she discovered.

While her mind had been wondering her feet had taken her wondering too. She had not ended up at the bathroom and she had expected but rather had found herself at the end of a corridor with no idea where she was or how to get back to the control room. Her hand reached for the doorknob and she stopped herself. The Doctors voice in her head.

"Don't wonder off."

Her hand slowly twisted the knob to the left. She felt it turn and the door opened a crack.

"Too late now." She told herself as she pushed the door open and peered into the room.

It was dark and still. There was a wardrobe up against one corner and in another a single bed the farthest point away from the door. Beside that was a desk with an open notebook or diary and an elegant fountain pen. The room was neat and orderly, the only thing out of place was a pair of glasses laying open on the desk and a long coat laying rumbled on the bed.

Rose realised with a shock that this was the Doctor's bedroom. Rose had a bedroom of course, but she never thought about the Doctor actually sleeping. He was always in the control room when she went to bed and there again when she woke up. She had never given it much thought, so many of the things she had seen had become routine she had never even thought it was odd that she hadn't seen him sleep.

She hovered by the doorway. This was such a personal part of the Doctor, she didn't want to walk in and intrude. He let her keep her personal space and didn't go near her bedroom. She looked at the coat on the bed. It would get creased if it was left like that. She took a breath and stepped over the threshold quickly crossing the room. She picked up the coat, resisting the urge to sniff it to see if it smelled like him. She crossed to the wardrobe looking for a hanger. As she opened it she saw a row of suits and various colours of converse. An empty hanger marked the space where his coat would usually hang. Next to that were the pyjamas Rose had dressed him in to heal after he had regenerated. She saw something in the pocket and discovered the orange, fresh as the day she had given it to him. She closed the wardrobe softly and went to the desk. She folded the glasses and placed them gently on the book. As she did so something caught her eye. It was a drawing. She picked it up gently holding it between her thumb and fingers, turning it this way and that. Whoever it was they were beautiful and the drawing displayed incredible detail. A somewhat cocky but beautiful smile that reached a pair of large eyes that shone with an intelligence that Rose wished she had. Her breath caught in her throat. The Doctor had surprised her once again. She had no idea that he could draw and even less of an idea that he would know someone well enough and intimately enough to draw a picture of them with such care and detail.

Suddenly she heard a noise, the unmistakable squeak of the TARDIS doors opening. Startled she dropped the picture. It fluttered slowly to the ground turning over and over on itself before settling face down on the floor.

The Doctors scruffy handwriting glistened in blue ink on the back of the picture. She stooped to pick it up before the Doctor realised she was missing. Then something caught her eye. Her name glistening back at her in blue ink.

"Rose Tyler.

You are FANTASTIC. I know you don't believe it, but you are. And I know that you are going to tell me I'm crazy, but, the thing is Rose Tyler, you are more important than anything in all of time and space. And Rose, my Rose, the first face this face saw, you must believe it. You must. Because Rose Tyler I…"

There it stopped, the paper was rough, covered in several layers of tip ex. Rose stared at the picture, at the words on the back. Her heart was pounding so hard her chest hurt.

"Rose?"

The Doctors voice jarred her back into action. She whipped around slamming the picture back onto the desk. Fighting to get her breathing under control she turned to run out of the room. Too late. The Doctor stood in the doorway looking at her sadly.

"Rose." He breathed stepping forward.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As Rose's feet were wondering about the TARDIS the Doctor's were wondering around London. He had changed his mind about stopping somewhere else before taking Rose home when he saw her face light up when he told her about it. She had looked happier then than she had in weeks. After a while he lost track of time and his mind began to wonder. He found himself wondering what Rose was doing. She must be bored by now. He sighed and checked his watch, he had been gone little over 10 minutes, it felt much longer. It was boring walking across London with no one to talk to and as much as he tried to deny it he missed Rose next to him.

"Quit it." He growled to himself.

There was no use deluding himself that she was missing him, she would be thinking about Micky and her mum.

The Doctors stomach clenched as he recalled her face whenever she mentioned Micky's name. The way she smiled when she remembered him, the way that smile disappeared when she realised they were light years away from each other. The Doctor realised who he had to find. Rose deserved to feel that she was special. She disbelieved it so entirely, but she truly was. She needed to see someone who made her believe she was special. That someone was walking down the road towards him with a couple of friends. The Doctor nodded at him as he passed and Micky left the group and jogged to catch him up.

"Hey Micky the…" The Doctor said, biting his tongue to stop himself saying 'idiot' but yelling it loudly in his head.

"Doctor! Where's Rose? Is she okay?"

"Rose is in the TARDIS; she thinks we are somewhere else and I am fine thanks for asking."

"She doesn't know she's on earth! You didn't tell her."

"I was going to make another stop before I took her home, take some readings, but I changed my mind. She needs to be happy, and she looked so happy when I told her we were going to come home. Speaking of happy, I have a favour to ask."

"Ask away."

"You need to come to the TARDIS, you can make her feel special, and she deserves to feel special. She won't listen to me, but she will believe it if you tell her. Plus, she misses you."

"I miss her too! Where is the TARDIS?"

"bout 10 minutes away." Said the Doctor ducking down a side street.

Micky jogged to catch up. He panted slightly as he talked.

"So, what made you decide to bring her home?"

"I have missed seeing her smile. We have had a rough couple of weeks. She just needs to be reminded that wherever we might be, whatever universe or planet we visit, she will always have a place she can call home. People she can call her family. She needs to know she's not like me."

Micky looked sideways at the Doctor. He looked sad, older than when he had last seen him, only a few hours ago for himself.

"How long?" he asked.

"How long?"

"How long has it been for Rose, since she last saw us."

"bout six weeks, give or take."

"Give or take what?"

The Doctor shrugged.

"Couple of months."

"A couple of months!"

The Doctor shrugged again and continued walking. He seemed too deep in thought to even realise Micky was still walking next to him. He grabbed his arm but the Doctor just kept walking his eyes staring, dark and intense, at the pavement before him.

"Doctor!" Micky shouted, ducking around so he stood in front of him.

"Micky?"

"Yeah, I've been walking with you for the last five minutes!"

"Oh." He said vaguely and started walking again.

"Hey!" Micky yelled after him, running to catch up.

The Doctor turned this time scowling. He wanted to get back to the TARDIS, surely Micky the idiot did too.

"Look, the sooner we get back to the TARDIS the sooner we, you, can see Rose."

"About that." Micky said. "Does she even remember me?"

The Doctor managed a week smile.

"Of course she does. That's one of the only times she has smiled lately, whenever she remembers you."

Micky's breathing loosened a little.

"Okay, let's go."

When they got back to the TARDIS the Doctor unlocked the doors. All was quiet. The Doctor frowned. Usually Rose would come running up, badgering him to tell her what was outside but no one was anywhere to be seen. He turned to Micky who stood awquardly by the door.

"Wait here. Don't wonder off."

The Doctor turned and went to find the bathroom. She would probably be there. He remembered what had happened last time they were on a rest stop and she had chanced a shower. He had got a message over the console and taken off on an emergency flight to Cardiff. Rose had slipped and bumped her head on the ceiling. Reaching the bathroom, he listened intently for the shower but he couldn't hear it. He knocked softly.

"Rose?"

His ears picked up a slam on wood. His stomach dropped. He recognised that sound, it was his desk. So many times recently he had slammed that desk, trying to explain to Rose, and to himself, what he felt about her. He took off running and in moments was stepping into his room. Rose spun around. Her eyes bright with fear and confusion, trying, desperately to tell him sorry. The Doctor just stood frozen, staring at her sadly.

"Rose." He breathed stepping forward.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 –

Rose sucked in a breath as the Doctor stepped into his room. Every inch of her tingled with shock and fear. Desperately she thought of something to say, something to explain, but her mouth wouldn't work.

"Doctor," she stammered, I'm…. I didn't…"

The Doctor spoke over her.

"Someone is waiting in the control room for you." He said looking past her at the wall opposite him.

Rose's stomach dropped and she felt tears prickle the back of her eyelids. Never before, not even when things were at their darkest, had she ever seen the Doctor look so vunerable as he did now. His eyes usually bright and happy were bleak and dark. His hands were deep in his pockets and his shoulders were slumped forwards. She knew there was nothing she could say to fix this. She had invaded his privacy and betrayed whatever trust he had in her. She squeezed her hand into a fist, pressing until her nails left crescents in the palm of her hand. She wished he would look at her, just look and read her apology she couldn't voice.

She had always felt so at ease in the Doctors presence but now, suddenly, she couldn't stand it, she went to leave but in a moment of panic realised she didn't know where she was. She took a breath as she approached the door.

"Two rights and a left." He said to the wall before she could ask.

Rose tried one last time to say sorry. She looked up at him. His normal relaxed and open face had been replaced with one that could have been chiselled from marble.

"Doctor…"

He looked at her and Rose wished she hadn't wanted him to. The look of profound hurt on his face made her chest ache.

"Quickly. Go, or they will wonder off too."

Rose passed in silence choking back tears. She walked slowly down the corridor the world spinning around her. Tears finally came blurring the way before her as she turned the first right. Now that she was out of the room new questions came to her mind. What did that mean. That drawing. A faint smile appeared on her face. Did that mean, could it mean? The smile disappeared. No, it couldn't, not now, not after what she had just done. She turned her second right. She wondered if he would ever forgive her or if she should just pack now and save herself the heartache. Tears started again and she turned her next left and found herself somewhere in the corridor that lead to the control room. She started jogging, she knew who the Doctor would find first. The one person she loved more and anyone, in this universe and all the others.

"MUM!" she yelled.

Someone ducked their head around the corner and Rose's heart plummeted. The looked of profound hurt on his face hade her chest ache.

"Micky actually, begins with the same letter I guess." He said holding out his arms.

Rose walked forward guilt twisting her stomach. She had forgotten him again. He hugged her tightly and she felt a sob build up in her chest. She was confused enough right now to deal with Micky.

He took her arms gently and stood so she was facing him. She had changed he realised. She looked less attached to where she was. Although she was next to him now he could tell her mind was elsewhere, somewhere in a galaxy a thousand or more lightyears away. She looked sadder to. She was biting her lip and clenching her fist in the way that meant she was trying not to cry, that at least had not changed.

"Hey," he said softly. "What's wrong?"

Rose's eyes slowly focused on Micky. He was looking at her as he always had. For him it had only been a few hours since she had last said goodbye, but for her it had been just over 6 weeks. She had seen a lot of things, things that had changed the way she thought, things that changed the way the universe was made.

"I made a mistake. A bad one." Rose said in a daze staring down the corridor.

Micky too a long look at her again, even in the same room as her was like talking from the other end of space and time. He couldn't keep going on like this, losing her a little more whenever he saw her.

"So did I," Micky breathed looking away. "Coming her, it was a mistake, I realise that now."

That got Rose's attention. She turned to him and when he didn't look up she took his hand.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean coming here, seeing you, that was a mistake. I thought I could do this Rose. The Doctor told me you missed me, but I don't think you really do. I think you miss your mum, but you have found the Doctor now, he can take you to anywhere, any time, the farthest I can take you is Hastings.

"I love Hastings!" Rose said squeezing Micky's hand tightly.

"The thing is, Rose. I can't keep going on like this. It's like were on two sides of a gap and whenever I see you were getting further away from each other. It hurts me Rose, knowing I'm losing you a little each time. How long is it going to be before you come back home and forget me all together?

"I won't ever forget you though. I…"

"What's my favourite colour?" Micky asked, speaking over her.

Rose dropped her hand in defeat turning away so Micky wouldn't see her cry. Micky wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"The thing is, the Doctor can give you more than I could. He can make you feel as special as you are, because you are special Rose, to so many people."

Micky slipped a hand underneath Rose's chin bringing up her eyes to meet his.

"I still love you Rose. I always will, but I can't hang around and watch you forget me."

"Micky, I…"

"Don't. Just don't, please. Promise me one thing though. Always believe you are special and always be that fantastic person I fell in love with."

Micky hugged her tightly, one last time, then walked slowly out of the TARDIS not turning back.

Rose watched as the doors closed behind him past caring as the tears streaked down her face. She had managed to hurt two of the most important people in her world in one day. She had to leave so she didn't hurt anyone else.

As she turned to walk back to her room the Doctor walked into the Control room. He had overheard their conversation from the corridor. Rose had her back to him, staring as the TARDIS doors closed slowly behind Micky. Rose let out a sob and his heart's stopped. He stepped forward.

"Rose?"

She spun around. Tears streaking down her face. The Doctor took another step forward. Rose backed away.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She whispered. Walking past him, her eyes glued to the floor.

Rose packed her small backpack she had taken with her that night when the Doctor had turned her life upside down and waited until she was sure the Doctor would be asleep. She clutched a small note in her hand.

"Doctor,

I hope you can read this and understand why I have to leave. I hurt too many people. I hurt Micky, that's why he's gone, and today I hurt you. This is why I have to leave. Because Doctor, my Doctor, I lo… You mean to much to me and I cannot bear to hurt you. This is why by the time you read this I will be gone, probably working in a shop and eating chips. Be well Doctor.

She silently shut the door to her room and crept down the corridor. Soon she was at the Doctor's room. She opened the door silently. The Doctor was indeed asleep. He looked years younger, his face was clear of all the troubles he faced, all the horrors he had seen. She placed the letter on the desk next to his bed and crept away pulling the door silently shut behind her and headed back down the corridor not looking back.

..

The Doctors eyes snapped open the paper on his desk catching his eye. He sat up and switched on the light. He scanned the note then in one solid motion took off running.

By the time the Doctor caught up to Rose she was already in the control room facing the doors. She paused for a beat, the Doctor stepped forward.

"Rose."

Rose heard the Doctor behind her. Her heart stopped. She shook her head. She couldn't turn around, not now.

The Doctor saw her shake her head and knew she was going to leave. Panic made his head spin. He took another step toward her.

"Rose."

Rose put her hands to her ears shaking her head again. A sob was building in her chest making it difficult to breathe.

"Please. Don't. I'm sorry, but I can't stay here." She choked.

The Doctor stepped forwards one more time resting his hand gently on her shoulder, it was shaking though he was not sure if it was her shoulder or his hand.

"Rose." He whispered.

This time when the Doctor spoke Rose could feel the name as it tumbled from his lips and rippled across the short space between them. It passed through the hairs on the back of her neck making her shiver before racing up her cheek and into her ear making it tickle. Rose froze, sucking in a gasp, she couldn't turn around.

The Doctor brought one hand up to her face brushing it gently with his fingertips before resting his hand gently against the soft skin of her cheek.

"Rose Tyler." He breathed. Turning her face gently to meet his.

Rose let him. She turned slowly around to find the Doctor, eyes bright and face as open as a book, looking down at her.

"Doctor, I'm…"

The Doctor shook his head silently his arms wrapping around her small frame.

"Don't go. Please. Don't"

Rose relented, sinking into his arms like a rag doll.

"I could never leave." She whispered.

She felt him sigh, all the fear and desperation leaking out of him. He let her go, standing in front of her holding her shoulders.

"Rose Tyler. I…"

Rose shook her head silently pushing herself up on tip toe and pressing her lips against his.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 -

"I could never leave" He heard Rose say as she slumped in his arms.

His own body relaxed. He hated the thought of her leaving, of being alone again. He let her go holding her shoulders. He knew he had to tell her, now, before she ever went to leave again. He took in a deep breath.

"Rose Tyler. I…"

He never got the chance. Before he could speak again she had shaken her head and kissed him.

The Doctor froze, stunned. Since he had met her he never had thought this would ever have happened. He didn't think he stood any chance next to Micky. But here he was, in the control room of the TARDIS, Rose's lips pressed to his. Rose broke away looking sheepish. Her hair had fallen onto her face.

"Sorry." She whispered.

The Doctor stepped forward tentatively reaching out one hand and brushing the loose strand of hair behind her ear. It was defiantly his hand that was shaking he realised.

"Never, ever be sorry."

He stepped forward again so he was toe to toe with Rose and brushed his hand down to her chin lifting it gently.

"Not for anything." He breathed holding her face and, at last, bending to kiss her.

She melted into him. The Doctor still couldn't believe what was happening. His hearts were slamming so hard against his ribs it hurt, but he couldn't pull away, not now, not when he had wanted this every second of his past and current regeneration. The TARDIS was spinning around him and he stumbled backwards reaching for the wall behind him to steady himself. The stared at each other for a few seconds, breathing heavily. The Doctor tried to wipe away the childish grin that he knew would be formed on his face. Rose was biting her lip and the Doctor had an urge to do the same. He held himself back. His hearts were slowing now making it easier to breathe. Then Rose giggled, shattering the silence.

Rose looked at the grin on the Doctor's face, she felt herself chewing her lip then before she could stop herself she started giggling. The Doctor raised his eyebrow making her laugh even more she bent over breathless and leant against the wall next the Doctor. The Doctor joined in, heaving deep breathy laughs that quickly became deep belly laughs. They stood there for a few minutes laughing uncontrollably. Both of them buzzing with excitement and disbelief. Slowly they stopped. Breathing hard.

The Doctor looked down at Rose. She looked happy. Happier than he had seen her in a long time. He relaxed sliding down the wall to sit on the floor next to her. Rose looked down at the Doctor that childish grin still plastered on his face. She slid down next to him putting her head on his shoulder. He pulled her in close. Rose could hear his hearts through his shirt beating a frantic rhythm against her ear, his hands on her back made her feel grounded and safe, they felt even better than she had imagined. She shivered as the Doctor kissed the top of her head and shifted so she was facing him.

"How long?" she breathed.

"Since 'Run.' How long?"

"Since 'Run.'" Rose smiled pulling him to his feet.

They stood facing each other and slowly, still unsure, they kissed again. This time it lasted longer. The Doctor gently pulled her down the corridor. There was no noise but for their slow steps and the heartbeats that pounded in their ears. They had no idea where they were going until the Doctors back was pressed against a door that recognised him. They were both breathing fast but too caught up in the ecstasy of it all to let go of each other. The Doctor pulled her closer to him and felt his chest tighten as he was pressed against the door. Rose felt him tense and realised they couldn't walk any further. She took a step back and they broke apart.

"Sor…"

The Doctor put a finger to her lips, gently shaking his head.

Rose took his hand. She could feel the blood thundering through his veins. His eyes were wide and bright. She could guess she looked much the same. Looking past him she saw where they were. It was the door she had opened earlier on that day. The room that felt as forbidden then as it did now. The Doctor turned to see what she was looking at. He felt his face redden and his stomach dropped uneasily. What would Rose think of him. He didn't even know how they had gotten here. He had dreamed of taking Rose into his room for what seemed like years but, now they were here, the Doctor hesitated.

"Sor…"

Rose put a finger to his lips, gently shaking her head.

"Never, ever be sorry. Not for anything." She whispered kissing him before he had a chance to say anything else.

The Doctor wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tighter to him. The TARDIS was spinning again, the door behind him helping to stand. Rose sighed happily against him and a low moan of pleasure escaped the Doctor as they fought for breath and the door clicked open behind them.

Rose couldn't believe what was happening, so much of her had wanted this for what felt like years and so head spinning, nerves singing, she let the Doctor pull her gently into his room.


End file.
